


Tell me then

by float_in_darkness



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9073666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/float_in_darkness/pseuds/float_in_darkness
Summary: [Destiel] Set some time after Dean and Castiel escaped purgatory, the angel didn't show up anymore. Dean was soon desperate until he showed up again, yet that wasn't the end of the story, as Castiel kept something a secret from his friend. A quite important secret.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Dean couldn't help but shift in his seat as this uncomfortable feeling within him only kept growing, caused by two things. It was crowded in there, a little bar, overrun by more people than it could hold because there's been a massive thunderstorm going on for the last hour, sending lightning and lashing rain towards earth.

Normally, he wasn't one to be bothered by crowds, but this was way different. He knew he couldn't get out of here, or at least he didn't want to, considering the weather. Knowing this, another thing made its way to his mind, more and more each second, relentless and steady.

There was someone or something watching him. He'd noticed the minute he stepped foot in the bar, but no way he could've just turned around and walked away instead of staying. It was following him, wherever he went, whatever he did.

He did think about talking to Cass about this matter, but the angel had been absent and wouldn't come whenever he called. That feeling had been there for a few weeks instead, and it was slowly driving him crazy. He didn't want anything more that just getting rid of it.

 

The crowd didn't help. Even if whatever was watching him stood right next to him, human form and visible for anyone, acting like everyone else, he wouldn't notice. Hell, he wouldn't even be able to do something about it. There were too much witnesses and even if he didn't care about being seen killing someone or something, he'd probably not be able to move enough in order to fight properly. He'd end up killing an innocent bystander or getting killed himself because he couldn't react fast and good enough.

So Dean just continued sitting, bored and irritated, occasionally taking a sip of his beer, absently staring at the wall on the other side of the room. There wasn't anything interesting anyways.

Teenagers going on about their boyfriends, husbands complaining about not getting laid often enough, whatever pointless problems someone in this bar had, Dean felt like he knew by now.

 

Slightly annoyed, the hunter let out a sigh and palmed his cheek, resting his elbow on the table in order to close his eyes just for a minute. He seriously thought about giving a shit about the weather right now, just so he could escape this hole of seemingly endless misery and wretchedness.

Oh did he hate it. The life of a hunter was certainly a pain in the ass sometimes, accompanied by death, sorrow and despair, but he couldn't imagine dealing with things normal humans had to. Puberty had been okay. There wasn't anyone he had to impress after all, so bad skin or whatever didn't matter.

No one ever ran up to him, asking for advice how to pay their cheating boyfriend back or how to solve an equation they were stuck with.

As much as he sometimes regretted missing out on this normal life, he was actually happy most of the time. He's experienced this normal life on one or two occasions, but it really wasn't for him if he was honest.

And now, listening to all these - in his opinion pointless and stupid - problems and complaints, he hated it even more.

This was just ridiculous. He had to get the fuck out of there or he was sure to go insane, if he only had to hear one complaint he'd punch someone in the face no matter what.

 

With a whispered scoff, he got out of his seat and nearly pulled over his chair, resulting in a few people nearby jumping on his sudden disgruntled movement.

He left his half emptied beer at the table without a second thought, it didn't taste that good after all, and pushed by the people standing in his way, heading for the exit. He didn't care if he hit a few people with his elbows and ignored their displeased noises at his blunt actions.

As he stepped out of the building, he welcomed the fresh gust of cold air, an appreciated change from the stuffy room with its used one. He barely noticed he was soaked with rain in just a few seconds, it felt too good to finally be free from that uncomfortable ambience, bad air and the feeling of being watched on every movement.

He turned away from the rain, closed his eyes in relaxation and took in a deep breath, no matter the fact that the cold air hurt his lungs ever so slightly. But it was certainly worth it.

As he shoved his hands in his pockets in order to keep them warm, burying them as deep as possible, he began making his way down the street. He had his car parked a few minutes away from where he was, sheltered only by a defoliated tree, due to the late time of the year.

 

Gazing down at the asphalt to his feet in order to not get too much water into his eyes, he listened to the patter of raindrops and the splashing sounds his every step made, kind of calming. Even though he only heard his footsteps and there was no sign of another soul in the proximity, the uneasy feeling of being watched returned, or at least grew stronger again, enough to bother him.

He twitched a bit when his nose was hit by a rather large raindrop and Dean grimaced for a second, intuitively dragging a hand over his face, wiping the water off. To no avail, as he was soaked from head to toe, smallest droplets growing on his lashes after every blink.

He passed a shut down store, dark and abandoned, risked a look at the reflecting window to check if there was anyone standing in sight who could've just been perceived in a mirror, and shook his head at his own stupidity. The circumstances must've made him paranoid for sure.

The hunter took a deep breath, calming him down just for the moment and kept walking, speeding up a little to not let his beloved impala wait any longer. Lies, he didn't want to admit to himself he'd passed the point where he just intended on leaving this goddamn place, weather and feeling as soon as he was able to.

 

Soon he found the place where he'd left his car just around the corner and stepped into the alley, passing a few unfamiliar cars before finally looking up, laying proud gaze upon his own, undamaged and safe, Cass leaning against it. Dean furrowed his brows in confusion and growing anger, locking eyes with the angel who just casually lifted his head when the hunter arrived.

Castiel shifted his weight to stand without support by the impala, brows drawn near his eyes to keep the raindrops out and hands buried deep within the pockets of his trench coat, which clung soaked to his figure. Cass seemed bothered by the rainy weather, his hair stuck wet to his forehead, some strands ending just above his eyebrows.

 

Dean closed the gap within both of them, looking to both sides as he crossed the street and stopped right before Cass, just about to give him an utterly confused look. The angel wiped a few strands of hair out of his forehead and cleared his throat, making the hunter imitate his actions shortly after.

"What are you doing here, Cass?" Dean asked, searching his pockets for the keys. "Weather's shit."

"I noticed." the angel replied, lifting both his arms with sticking sleeves and looked down on himself, eyeing the wet cloth, cold and heavy.

"Yeah. So why did you come? Not like I asked you to get your ass over here. At least not today."

"Do I need a reason?" Castiel tilted his head to the side ever so slightly, narrowing his eyes at him.

Dean huffed and, shaking his head, pulled out the keys before shoving Cass out of his way. With shaking hands from the cold, he unlocked and pulled at the car door, opening it.

"Well, you do, Cass." the hunter blurted out, catching a glimpse of the angel who still remained where he'd been standing. "You only ever show up when you need something or there's a problem."

 

Before Dean had a chance of getting into the car, Castiel brought a hand between him and the impala, stopping him in his motion.

"Dean, that isn't true." he declared and bent over a little to look at him insistently. "I often come to check on you."

"Oh yeah, Cass?" Dean turned to face him in a sudden motion. "Then where the fuck have you been the last two weeks? Three, whatever."

The hunter spoke in such a calm manner, firm nonetheless, but Castiel could tell he was pissed. And he couldn't hold it against him.

"Dean-"

"No, don't dean me. You know what, fuck you, Cass." he snapped and quickly got into the car, slammed the door shut before getting out of his wet jacket, which he threw behind him.

Dean saw the angel appear in the corner of his eye, knocking at the window and symbolizing him to wind it down. He rolled his eyes and started the engine, but still followed orders.

"Cass, don't tread on me, got it?" With that he pulled out of the parking lot, Castiel quickly clearing the way for him to not get hit by the car in the process.

"Dean!" he shouted out in disbelief, apologetic and desperate to keep him from driving away. "Let me explain!"

The hunter shook his head and huffed, glanced into the driving mirror and watched the angel as he stood in the rain, hands raised from his sides a little in a disbelieving manner before they fell back when Castiel just kept staring.

Cass sighed, slouched his shoulders and looked down to the ground, not knowing what to do now, how to get through to Dean. His hair fell to his forehead again but he didn't make an effort to wipe it away.

 

As the distance between them grew wider with each second, Dean exhaled and dragged a hand through his hair, not knowing if he chose the most reasonable action. He had to admit, he acted rather rash.

But he had his reasons, Cass hadn't come for weeks no matter how much he prayed, no matter the danger he was in, neither Dean nor Sam had even heard a damn word from him. Dean would've been satisfied with anything, he was even to the point where he'd appreciated a burning bush, as long as he just had a sign Cass was safe and sound.

But nothing, for weeks. And now, out of nothing, Cass appeared before him, casually leaning against his impala, talking and acting as if nothing happened. He could do this to anyone, but not him, not without consequences.

 

Distorting his mouth in disbelief as he thought about it, how cocky the angel could be at times, how much he wanted to just slap him, Dean reached for the radio and turned it on.

The sound of a plain guitar filled the car, causing the hunter to occasionally tap to it with his fingers, which made a dull knock on the steering wheel, familiar to his ears, calming.

He couldn't remember what the song was or who sang it, but it was much to his liking, so it didn't matter.

Listening to the soft sounds of the guitar and the man's in contrary throaty voice had him sinking into a thoughtful state and he welcomed it, since he was averse to being mad and at the glimpse of exploding. It wasn't good for his stress level, he thought.

Cass had him feel like this a lot these days, especially when he obviously didn't even find a second to at least send a sign he was alive and fine, let alone to stop by.

 

Over the noise of the song and his own thoughts, loud in his mind, Dean heard his name being called and just when he turned his head, he noticed Castiel sitting on the passenger seat all of a sudden, tense and uneasy.

He jumped with fright a little, just so much that he didn't jerk the wheel violently enough to leave the road. When he'd calmed down enough to think again just a second later, he raised his brows and punched the dash slightly.

“Damn it, Cass, you're gonna get me killed!” he cursed and glanced at the angel, who'd suddenly appeared next to him, without allowance or invitation.

“I know you don't want me around right now, but let me explain.” Castiel declared with rough voice, edgy and somewhat hasty, eager to justify himself.

“No, don't. Just... don't, okay?” Dean cut him off, pressing his flat palms to the steering wheel as he spoke, trying his best not to sound too angry, frustrated. “I'm done with your excuses, Cass.”

 

The angel tilted his head and eyed Dean in confusion but didn't continue, didn't word any excuse, lie or truth to calm him down. It wouldn't have worked anyway, Dean was too stubborn and hurt right now.

“Dude I know, you were busy. Had to deal with so much other shit. So much going on.” the hunter stated, almost a laugh in his voice, bitter though. “No time to fucking set a damn bush on fire.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes, irritated by the statement, not knowing what Dean wanted to say. He knew what he was referring to, but not what it had to do with anything.

“Set a bush on fire?”

“Cass, get the message.” he rolled his eyes and breathed out. “You weren't there. No sign you were watching over us or whatever, I didn't even know if you were alive. And that shortly after we, you, escaped purgatory? No, not okay.”

Dean drew his elbow up to the window and let it rest there, leaned his head against his clenched fist and stared at the road before him, blank but sour.

“I'm sorry.” Cass replied truthfully, his voice soft, silent and full with regret, it made Dean waver and his fingers played with the steering wheel absentmindedly.

“You just don't stay away for three weeks without a sign of life. Ever again.” the hunter told him, more calm than before as his temper slowly set. “If you do, I'll beat you up.”

“No mercy.” the angel stated bluntly and glimpsed at Dean, not too obvious, trying to get his reactions right. Dean just nodded in silence and sighed, relaxed his muscles visibly and seemed more at ease overall. Definitely still pissed at him, but at least Dean didn't throw him out and left him standing alone in the rain again.

 

Both of them continued keeping silence, not feeling the urge to talk or interact as the mood was ruined, yet Castiel pondered if he should get out of his soaked coat as it still clung to his arms and body, uncomfortably and cold, bothering.

The air conditioning had warmed the car up to a nice temperature, but that didn't help much with the wet clothes. Castiel didn't freeze or sweat because of the fact that he was an angel, but he sure felt the cold and sticky cloth, and it wasn't exactly nice.

He shifted in his seat, desperately trying to get the trench coat off without brushing Dean's arm or getting in his way otherwise. It wasn't easy as the cloth stuck to him and he had almost no space, but he somehow managed to get his arm out of the sleeve.

“What 'ya doing? You stripping doesn't work for me, sorry.” Dean joked when he laid eye on the angel's poor tries to free himself. Cass slowed down, almost stopped and looked at Dean for a few seconds, working jaw.

“Well, not your day, huh? Got your mind somewhere else?” the hunter noted with drawn up brows, pulling over to the side of the road to stop there. “Go on, change.”

 

While Castiel attempted on getting out of his coat and loosened his tie, Dean put his head back closing his eyes, exhausted and tired, leaning against the headrest.

He'd escaped the nasty feeling of being observed but it still was on his mind, lurking in a dark corner of his brain, showing no evidence when it might return again. The suspense made him shudder.

Dean felt the cold creeping up in his bones, no matter the warm air around him. Getting rid of his heavy jacket before had been a good idea, though it didn't change the fact that he still had his shirt and pants on, shoes filled with water and hair all wet and sticky to his scalp.

 

The muffled rustling of wet cloth made him grip onto reality again, opening his eyes slowly, tired, and took a peek at the angel next to him who carelessly threw his clothes on the backseat.

Cass made an effort to unbutton his shirt but paused to glance at Dean, thoughtfully, and decided to restrain himself, slowly putting his hands down to rest on his lap.

The hunter suppressed a laughter and bobbed his head in appreciation, starting the engine again and sending his friend an amused look.

“Yeah, you sure know how to not make me uncomfortable more than you need to.” he deadpanned and then frowned as he checked the road before he pulled the car over.

“You're uncomfortable?” Cass questioned, dead serious, slight concern in his words. Dean rolled his eyes but grinned at the lack of knowledge and understanding. “Cass, just don't go full naked.”

“You'd not enjoy the view?” Castiel tried to joke, having Dean look at him with furrowed brows, processing the statement and message.

“Don't get me wrong, no body-shaming intended.” he retorted, pulling up the corner of his mouth in amusement, winking at the angel. “But I don't think you're my type.”

 

A light smile laid on Cass' lips as he let his eyes wander, shaking his head slightly at Dean's sense of humor.

He remembered when they first met, hostile towards each other, without any kind of trust or bond. Hell, Dean wouldn't even really believe him he was an angel when he showed his wings back then.

At the time, Castiel didn't have any understanding of standards and things humans held precious, no sense of humor at all as he didn't know what was funny about it, and no real liking to any of it.

Now he enjoyed it, he liked spending time with Dean, he joked around with him, felt close to the boys and almost considered their company as home. He didn't really belong to heaven anymore, most of the angels resented him, held his love towards humanity against him, they even cast him out of heaven more than just once.

He felt like he found a new home in wherever Dean and Sam were, a place where he belonged, it was good and calming, pleasant.

 

“You wanted to say something before.” Dean broke the silence, locking curious gaze with the angel, just for a second before paying attention to the road again. “You wanted to explain something, what was it?”

“Doesn't matter.” he rejected, taking some seconds to think, choose the right words. “Nothing of importance anyway.”

“I'd like to know.” the hunter stated and looked at him again, eyes wide in a demanding manner, not accepting any excuses at this. Cass wavered, shifted and stared out of the window embarrassed, contemplative.

“I didn't feel like it.” he then conceded, voice low, gaze turned towards his hands in his lap. Dean furrowed his brows in confusion and looked asquint at him. “Feel like what?”

“Like showing up.” Cass almost whispered as he knew what he'd cause by saying this, but Dean wouldn't take any further lies fur sure.

“Are you kidding me?” Dean blurted out, tilting his head to scowl at the angel in disbelief. “You abandoned me because you, what, felt a little depressed?”

 

Castiel exhaled and dragged a hand through his hair, leaning his head back desperately, staring at the top of the car. “Dean, I did not abandon you.”

“Damn sure felt like it, Cass!” he huffed, voice angry and rough, feeling a little betrayed deep inside. “You don't understand, Dean. I couldn't. But I thought about it every day.”

“Oh, that makes it all better, you thought about it.” Dean scoffed at him and shook his head energetic, speeding up the impala in anger. “Didn't help me though.”

“You're going too fast, calm down.” the angel told him, staring at Dean until he finally slowed down again after a few moments. “I had my reasons. You wouldn't understand.”

“Yeah, I don't want to, either.” Dean sighed and gazed to the right where Cass returned the look, remorse and pain in his expression. “I just wanna punch you in the face instead.”

Castiel stayed silent, didn't reply anything and just kept staring, unaltered expression and emotion reflecting in his gaze, opening a window to how he felt.

 

Dean gritted his teeth, exhaling a deep breath, sour because of his angel friend, who didn't know better. He spent a few seconds watching as raindrops streamed down the window on his side, silent and somewhat beautiful, before he turned his head again.

“Cass-” he interrupted himself when he noticed the angel was gone, leaving a yawning void where he should have been.

Dean shuddered at the thought, suddenly very uncomfortable about Castiel missing, and it bothered him that he might not see him for a long time again.

He hit the seat with his fist, desperate, angry, partly at the angel for just leaving without a word, partly at himself for causing him to. He dragged a hand over his face, resting just above his forehead before grabbing the steering wheel again, tight, so that his knuckles stood out white.

“Cass, you fucking asshole.”

 

Castiel, hurt and distressed by how his friend acted, didn't want to understand, sat on the backseat, however invisible for the hunter. Eyes sad, directed at Dean, not wanting to fight over this anymore as it ached him, upset him, but still not willing to leave Dean's side no matter what.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Taking a sip at the bottle containing his beer, almost warm as he had held it for too long without drinking it up, Dean turned the page, revealing even more text, accompanied by the drawing of some shapeshifter, loosely put between the old pages.

He was doing research on yet another case, or at least he tried to, absentmindedly and without any real concentration at the matter at hand. Ever since their little fight in the impala two days ago, Cass hadn't shown up again.

The hunter had restrained himself from praying, still he'd been close on so many occasions, when he felt guilt dwell up within him, making him question his own decisions, actions. It ate away at him, burdened his conscience with doubt, uncertainty.

Dean felt like he'd messed up. Sure, Castiel held some guilt too, he had abandoned him for three weeks, but obviously he had a reason. The hunter didn't exactly know if it made sense to him, Cass not feeling like showing up, but that didn't matter after all. They were Castiel's feelings, and he'd neglected them for too long already, only caring if the Winchesters were alive, safe and sound.

Cass seemed to feel some kind of obligation, a task to keep both of them safe no matter what it meant, even if he broke himself in the process.

And in the one moment, the only time Cass actually tried to heal, recover from all the pain and sorrow he caused himself by doing anything for the Winchesters, Dean held it against him. He hurt the already broken angel by giving him another stroke, mentally scarring him yet again.

 

Dean pressed his palm to his temple as he felt a slight pain, like a sting in his bone, there was a headache creeping up on him. He closed his eyes, trying to ease the pain, spreading his hand over his forehead and eyes, thumb still on his temple, massaging a little.

The hunter sure knew where this headache came from, remembering the night before, empty beer bottles, at least six and some other stuff, binge-watching some series he couldn't even recall, pie, falling asleep on the floor.

It wasn't necessarily because he felt guilty or upset, but he wanted to get drunk, really hit the bottle, just to forget about anything that bothered him, to distract himself from reality. So he did, went unconscious late at night as his fatigue gained the upper hand, and woke up on the floor, stiff neck from lying in an inconvenient position too long.

He still was freezing due to the lack of a proper blanket, but he could've as well caught a cold when he drove home a few days ago, all soaked.

His thoughts drifted to the fight he had with Cass as he finally stood up, left the book open on the table to maybe get back at it later that day. His concentration was lost anyway, he'd rather do something better, more meaningful. Whatever vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters or demons there were, they could wait a few hours longer.

Without any real plan on what to devote himself to now, he toddled towards his room, maybe to get a shower or sleep for some time, maybe to just have his peace since Sam had to get back to the bunker anytime.

 

When he had one foot in the door, he felt weird, stuck between throwing himself on the bed and wanting to go back because he didn't know why he even got there. Unsure of anything, he dragged his hand across his face, trying to wipe it all away, all the uncertainties, doubts, longing and self-loathing.

He exhaled and shut the door behind him, getting out of his flannel, almost frantic, leaving him only in his plain shirt.

The hunter shuddered at the cold suddenly crawling up his arms, causing him goosebumps. He rubbed his arms to get warm, searching his room for more blankets than the one loosely hanging from the edge of his bed.

He'd get a nap, as many blankets as he could find pulled over his body, and then he'd feel better. All his worries would be gone and everything would be perfectly fine, no doubts anymore, no guilt. Sure thing.

 

Dean wavered, gazing at his bed contemplative, before he walked over and got into a kneeling position, folding his hands against the bridge of his nose, praying with closed eyes.

Since the first time he'd prayed to Castiel, he didn't think he got better no matter how many times he did, still not knowing how to start. He felt lost, this time just like every other.

Which probably was caused by the fact that he didn't receive anything in return, there wasn't anyone telling him his prayers were heard and most of the times nothing happened afterwards.

It must be frustrating for people who had no idea, no evidence there actually was someone listening as they never even got a hint. He'd once given up on praying long before, when he was still a kid, until he met the angel Castiel.

 

“Okay, Cass I'm sorry.” he started, calm and faintly, shifting a little on his knees, pressing his elbows deeper into the mattress, and cleared his throat. “I said some things. I shouldn't have. You know I'm sorry.”

Dean stayed silent as he had no idea what else to say, working jaw. Usually he'd go on and talk about how they needed his help with another monster, an angel, finding something, he'd gave details on what they already knew, but now he wasn't even sure if he should be praying at all.

“I... need to apologize.” he then stuttered, furrowing his brows when he noticed how he sounded like an idiot who couldn't get to the point. “Now get your feathered ass down here and let's talk.”

The hunter kept his eyes shut for a few seconds, not knowing how to end his prayer properly, before opening one eye to peer at his room, no sign of the angel, no rustling of his trench coat or light fluttering of wings.

“Well, that was a blast.” he sighed disappointed and grabbed the bedpost to pull himself on his feet. “It wasn't. Have some faith.”

Dean flinched and swung around, eyeing Castiel, just a few inches away from him, staring up at the hunter expressionless.

 

“Jesus, Cass. You really gotta love doing this.” he breathed out, reproach in his words, but still glad he finally got through to his friend. “How long have you stood there?”

“Since your first sorry.” the angel claimed, raspy voice as usually, making Dean suppress a laughter and look up to the ceiling with drawn up brows, unable to genuinely be upset as any kind of annoyance was still shadowed, swallowed by the glee of Cass appearing, actually being here.

The second he started praying, he didn't think it would actually work, he thought the angel ignored him again, still mad and hurt, or just not feeling like it.

“Couldn't have said something, made it clear you were there already?” Dean uttered bemused, gesturing with his hands. “I was kinda stranded there.”

“I know.” Castiel tilted his head to one side, a slight grin appearing on his lips. “Praying is not your thing.”

“I think I did quite well.” he retorted, pretended undertone of proudness of his success, allowing himself so sit down on the bed behind him. “I mean, you're here, right?”

 

Cass' eyes looked him up and down, intuitively, his subconsciousness trying to get a hold of any possible wound on his body. Ready to heal him.

“Are you okay?” he then asked, expression and voice filled with concern and curiosity. “Cass, I'm fine. Well, except for a headache, but that's not the point. I wanted to talk, clean up my mess.”

“You don't have to. We both made mistakes.” the angel hushed and reached out to press two fingers upon Dean's forehead, easing the pain in an instant, taking away his headache like it was just something you had to get a hold of and throw away to remove, to make everything better.

“Doesn't mean I can't apologize.” he insisted, blinking a little as Castiel pulled his fingers away, still overwhelmed by how easy it was for a celestial being to relieve pain, even though he'd been healed by Cass so many times.

“I can't even count anymore how much shit I've done, Cass, how much you've done. I don't know anymore who owes who, but it doesn't matter.” Dean gazed up to the angel who stood before him, looking back at him, silent, but he could see in his eyes how he wanted to negate. “Important is what's now, and just a few days ago... I basically told you your feelings didn't matter.”

 

Castiel bit his lower lip and took a deep breath, nodding a little at Dean's statement. He was right, yet Cass could understand why he'd acted like this back then. He didn't appreciate it, of course, but he understood.

“Dean, I do know you're aware I have feelings, and I do know you care.” he calmed him down, putting a hand on his shoulder, firm but soothing, bending down to look him in the eyes, dipped his head. “Sometimes at least.”

Dean exhaled, broke eye contact and looked down, embarrassed by what he did, uncomfortable because of how close he was. “I do.”

“You don't owe me anything. I don't bleed for you, die for you and I didn't leave my home in heaven because I thought I'd get something in reverse.” he stated harshly, furrowing his brows, underlining his message with all he could. “I do because I want to, because I care about you. And you know that.”

Dean looked up, wide eyes and parted lips, examining Cass' face and processed what he said, stared at his friend through his lashes.

“I know, Cass.” Dean scratched his head and pressed his lips together, trying to keep his composure. “I just tend to forget sometimes.”

 

The angel let go of his shoulder and went to sit next to Dean on the edge of the bed, relieved, inspecting the wall without cause, just to not make Dean uncomfortable by staring.

He heard the rustling of clothes as the hunter moved, rested both his elbows on his knees, folded hands.

“I promise I won't stay away again, I'll never ignore your prayers again. I'll never leave your side.”

 

 

“Yeah.” Dean muttered, glancing at the angel out of the corner of his eye before turning to him, patting his back firmly. “Or else.”

He stood up and walked up to his closet, searching for just any warm hoodie he could find, since sleeping wasn't an option right now, he'd have to keep himself from freezing one or another way.

As he pulled it over his head, trying to find where he had to stick his head through, Cass followed his lead and got up, waiting patiently.

“I'd ask you if you wanted to go stop by a restaurant, but you don't eat.” Dean let him know and adjusted his sleeves, walking past him, heading for the door, Cass following him unquestioning. “I'm starving, I'll go get some burritos.”

“I don't have to eat to come with you.” the angel mentioned and closed up to him, while Dean checked for his wallet and keys in his pocket, if he'd put it in there or somewhere else.

“Dude, when you said you'd never leave my side I was glad, but I didn't expect you to be clingy.” Dean joked, giving his friend a cuff. “It's not good for healthy relationships.”

Cass narrowed his eyes at him, almost warily, contemplating how he could interpret his assertion. He didn't want to get into anything again, no trouble, no fight, no embarrassing situation, so he just stayed silent, letting Dean make his way towards the impala.

 

As they walked through the hall, they met Sam who just closed the door. He casually looked in Dean's direction to greet him, noticed Cass and frowned, surprised and stunned.

“Cass, you're back?” he remarked, giving him a broad smile, cheerful and honest. “Good to see you're fine. We don't have much time, though.”

Both Dean and Castiel furrowed their brows, inquiring glances directed at the younger brother as he put some books down on a shelf. “We got a case.”

“Oh come on man, I wanted to get burritos!” Dean complained, lifting his hands up a bit in annoyance and disbelief. “Not fair.”

“Dean, there's a shapeshifter in town, just ten minutes away, and he wants blood.” Sam blurted out, pointing behind him with his thumb over his shoulder. “We're going. Now.”

Dean growled, rolling his eyes, mumbling a few curses and followed his brother, grudgingly with grim expression. He knew what Sam was talking about, they've been trying to find out who and what the monster was for about five days, and he knew what town he was referring to.

The bar he'd been in was where he'd tried to research by asking a few people, but they knew nothing useful, leaving him as clueless as before.

 

When they walked up to the impala, Dean already pulling the keys out of his pocket, he stopped Sam from going around the car to get in.

“Ahh, no Sammy. You're in the backseat.” Dean grunted and symbolized Cass to come sit in the passenger seat, Sam raised a hand, giving an irritated look. “You take my burritos, I take your front seat.”

Sam tilted his head to one side, looking at his brother in disbelief, before he rolled his eyes and got on the backseat instead, changing with Castiel.

“My car, my rules.” Dean grinned, spiteful and smug, as if he'd just achieved victory over a huge thing, giving Cass another bemused glance when he got into the car.

“You're childish.” Sam remarked, making Dean turn around to face him. “I'm not, I had two options. Letting you sit in front or Cass, and Cass is clearly my favorite in this car right now.”

“You are upset because your burritos have to wait a little longer.” he retorted, squinting his eyes at him, challenging. Dean glared, turning away from him again to start the engine.

 

A strange silence lying over the three of them, he reversed the car, pulling out of the parking lot. Castiel reached out to turn the radio on, uncomfortable because of the mood, glancing at Dean out of the corners of his eyes as the hunter looked at him questioning.

The sounds of some metal song filled the car, breaking the awkward silence. It didn't exactly lift the mood, but it was distracting, letting them forget about it as they listened, followed the tune and lyrics.

Humming to the song, Dean's thoughts drifted, making him watch Castiel, furtively, without attracting the angel's attention.

He hadn't told him why he didn't feel like showing up, he only mentioned he wasn't feeling that well and that he had his reasons. But he didn't let a word slip about what was the cause, what bothered him.

The hunter sure intended to ask, but now was not the right time, especially since Sam was still in the car, not even knowing they had a fight before. He had nothing to do with this, and he was better off not knowing about it, so it should rather stay like this.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

“So, what's the information?” Castiel asked, either to lighten the mood or because he was curious and wanted to be of help in this case, or both. “Alright, the guy's kinda weird. He changes appearance often, almost every three days.”

“Why?” Dean frowned, looking at Sam in the mirror as he stopped the engine, car parked in some dark alley they had found. “Isn't it hard to be a part of society that way?”

“To be honest, I have no idea.” the younger brother shrugged his shoulders, looking kind of distressed as he couldn't figure out what the shapeshifter gained from his behavior.

Changing appearance this often made it easier for hunters to notice him, he shed light onto his existence, his true species. It would've been wiser to keep one form and just occasionally change if he planned to commit atrocities. But what he did was stupid, noticeable, maybe he was suicidal or something.

“Does he know we're going after him?”

“I don't think so.” Sam stated, getting out of the car just like his brother and Cass did. The angel only listened with half an ear, eyes wandering, searching the darkness surrounding them, prepared for anything.

“Guys, don't you think there's something off?” he noted and slowly turned around to inspect the other direction, squinting his eyes. Dean frowned, following his gaze into the dark. Pitch black lying all around them like a dome of shadows and dark fog, except for some windows where dim light shined through the curtains.

 

“Yeah. Why are all the lights out?” he then mumbled and swallowed, suddenly uneasy and tensed as he'd noticed all the street lights that should've been shining brightly were turned off. It wasn't that late, but it was already dark due to the time of the year, so the lights should be on anyway.

Sam slowly opened the trunk, instinctively as silent as he could, and rifled through their weapons, finding the right ones.

Castiel wandered off as he did and seemed to disappear in the dark fog, trying to find one or two of the street lights, which wasn't that easy of a task since they didn't even glow in the slightest.

When he returned after a few minutes, Dean already had a gun in hand and a knife equipped, still staring in the exact direction the angel had gone, waiting for him to get back to them in one piece.

“The lights are smashed. All of them.” he reported, brows drawn down near his eyes, contemplating about why this had happened, how, and if it necessarily had to do with their case. There was a small chance it didn't, slight but not nonexistent.

“Smashed? Like, by throwing a stone or someone let the lights burst with their power?” Dean inquired and controlled his gun, checked the ammunition and made sure it wouldn't discharge.

“I can't tell.” Cass shrugged his shoulders, looking clueless and somewhat apologetic.

“So, it could either be kids fucking around or some monster with a plan. Great.”

 

“You two done freaking out about missing lights?” Sam asked, closing the trunk, and held a gun against Castiel's chest, making him glance at it in confusion. “Cass, take it. Just in case.”

The angel wavered but still took the weapon, awkwardly trying to somehow hide it under his trench coat. He knew he wouldn't need it, as an angel he had no use for something like this, he himself was his weapon.

“We'll be careful, extra careful because of the lights. There isn't really much more we can do about it.” Sam exchanged a look with both of them.

“Cass could be our flashlight.” Dean joked, broad smile on his face fading as the angel furrowed his brows and squinted his eyes at him, irritated. “Nevermind.”

Dean cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head, clapping his hands afterwards. “We're gonna find this son of a bitch without light, and we kill him. Sammy, information.”

Sam frowned, staring at his brother for a few seconds before he rolled his eyes, ignoring Dean's rather weird behavior. Weirder than usually, after all.

 

The three of them then left the car where they had parked, weapons hidden under their jackets, as they headed for an abandoned building, the place Sam had found clues, information concerning the shapeshifter's whereabouts.

Dean, at the sounds of Cass' footsteps, being constantly reminded of what he wanted to ask him when all of this was over. It restrained him from thinking properly, nervous, not knowing what to expect, but he had to focus on the job now.

Feelings could wait.

 


	3. Chapter 3

A rustling sound, just like the one from clothes, made Dean spin around, directing his gun at whatever may stand behind him, releasing the safety catch as fast as he could. Nothing there.

His eyes roaming around, quick, observing every inch of the darkness. He heard the sound again, his gaze leaping to where it seemed to come from, just a few feet from where he'd stared at. Still nothing.

He could've sworn there was something, they had almost reached the place, he assumed they'd have to walk less than a hundred steps, but it didn't feel right.

“There.” Sam breathed, tilting his head, pointing at the building in front of them. “The window.” Castiel's gaze wandered around until he found what the hunter tried to show him, in the second floor, barely to be noticed when you weren't searching for it. He could see the figure, just a shadow of a human body, standing there in front of a slight, flickering light. Must've been coming from a candle.

Dean didn't pay attention at all, still fixated on the sound in the dark, though it didn't seem to appear again, ceased just after the second time he thought he'd heard it. But the guy they were trying to find and kill seemed to be in the building.

 

Dean inhaled, trying to think straight again as he pulled out his flashlight, shakily, turning it on. Part of his mind expected to see someone, something, jumping at him and trying to kill him. But there was nothing, not even a cat passing by.

He must be going nuts. The feeling of being watched that he'd had just until a few days ago, it was gone since then, but maybe this didn't mean anything. Maybe it had just evolved into a much stronger kind of perception, hearing things that weren't there.

“Dean, are you out of your mind?” Sam whispered almost angrily, glaring at his brother before nodding at his flashlight. “He'll see us.”

Cass turned around, watching as Dean bobbed his head slowly, absentmindedly, turning the light off and hiding it again in his jacket. Sam exhaled bewildered and risked a look at the window, hoping the figure still stood there. It did, luckily.

 

As they sneaked towards the building, using the shadows as good as they could, Dean paid even more attention to any sound he might hear behind him, half of his mind declaring himself as crazy already.

Inside, it wasn't exactly what they'd expected, small candles scattered over the floor, rubbish and dust, wax dripping down, implying they'd been standing there for quite some time.

There were some chairs, placed around a small table, a vase filled with blue flowers standing in the middle. Someone must have tried to make himself a place where he could stay for a while.

Cass spotted a small portable radio, carelessly thrown down on the wooden floor, or fallen without purpose, side cracked and probably broken.

A loose cloth draped some object in the corner of the room, making the angel curious, and he walked over to carefully remove it, revealing a small chest. Not even big enough to fit both his hands in there if he wanted to take something out.

In there was another fabric, smoother and drenched with something he assumed to be blood, and a smell, a really horrible rotten smell. He didn't even want or need to know what exactly it was, so he closed the chest quickly, grimacing at the pungent odor.

 

When he faced the Winchesters again, shaking his head to inform them there wasn't anything of interest, Sam already stared into another hallway, stairs leading up to the second floor.

He gave Cass and Dean a glance, signalizing them they'd go check up there, where they had seen the figure standing at the window.

As he took the first step of the stairs, it creaked under the pressure of his weight and he gritted his teeth, pausing his movement in an instant. He knew they wouldn't be able to avoid the stairs, but it was instinctively, in a desperate try to make no sound at all.

Sam exhaled and took another step, attempting to find the one place where the old wood made little sound under his feet.

Dean watched it, biting his lip ever so slightly, still following his brother, stepping only where he did even though he knew it made as much sound as everywhere else. At this point, they could probably just run up there and barge in, confronting the shapeshifter without even trying to creep up on him.

 

The door was half open, giving only a little of the room away, flickering light caused dancing shadows in the hallway, not revealing if the figure still stood in front of the window or not.

Sam gave a single nod, pushing the door open with his elbow, gun pointed at where he'd assumed the shapeshifter to stand, correcting the direction a little as he came in sight.

He didn't move, didn't seem to be aware they just infiltrated his home, if you could call it that. The hunter quickly noticed it wasn't a shapeshifter. It was a mannequin, back turned to the window, fully disguised with a wig and clothes, even a painted face.

It seemed to stare at him in a teasing manner, as if someone wanted to mock him because he fell for the trap. His face fell, features turned into an unbelieving stare, he shuddered at the sight.

“Sam!” Dean's voice jerked him back into reality, realizing what happened just as he was grabbed by his shoulders. Someone had waited inside the room, just next to the door. He was pulled in, lost hold of his gun, thrown to the ground with inhuman strength, and he tried to roll in order to not get hurt.

The next thing he saw when he'd gained control over his body again was Dean, face furious but stony glance, gun held against the chest of the shapeshifter, right to his heart, finger on the trigger.

“Silver bullets, bitch.” he declared, body tense and his free hand clenched. “Last words?” Dean pulled his brows up, making fun of the shifter, a slight grin appearing on his lips.

 

The shapeshifter huffed, eyes trailing off, focusing on something behind Dean. The hunter gave up on his position, ducking away right as he heard the slicing sound of something cutting through the air, just above his head.

Panting and heart running fast, he crouched to the wall, took shelter where he couldn't be seen from the hallway. Someone had tried to shoot him and he knew the guy was out there, not inside the room. The glass in the window didn't break and Sam didn't call out to him that he was in danger, so he couldn't have seen the second guy.

He pressed his back against the wall, chest heaving and sinking, and held the gun up, aiming at the shapeshifter still standing in the room. Just for a second, Dean allowed himself to look at Sam, signalizing him to come over.

As the younger brother followed orders and Dean got up, slowly and carefully, never losing track of the shifter, his target, footsteps neared the room, steady but fast and with no intention to hide the sound. Sam hurried to get a hold of his knife, at least the knife as he had lost his gun earlier when he was surprised.

 

“Hunters. You always think you're so clever.” a voice cut the silence and a woman strolled into the room, as if it was nothing and she didn't have to fear anything, almost scornful.

“You're the one who followed us.” Dean stated gruffly, shooting a glare at the woman who smirked and lifted her arm, but paused and let her eyes wander. “There was a third guy.”

Someone cleared his throat, outside the room on the hallway, which made the two shifters tense, assumed both of them were and not just one. In less than a second, there was the loud bang of a gun, bullet slicing the air, deafening.

Dean and Sam could only see how the already irritated expression on both the shapeshifters faces turned into something even more surprised, horrified. The Winchesters knew Cass wouldn't be harmed by bullets, but the shifters didn't know.

Instead of backing down, the woman started to blindly pull the trigger, again and again, sometimes missing her target, until she didn't have any bullets left.

The angel stepped into the room, bullet holes in his trench coat where he'd been hit, glance numb, looking around the room calmly until his eyes met Dean's.

Glaring at the woman again, at the gun in her hand, Castiel closed up to her and reached for her head, making her take a step backwards, insecure, desperately trying to escape.

From her expression it was clear she was stunned, almost dazed and not able to process what happened, and in the second of hesitation, confusion and stiffness, Cass got a hold of her face.

 

A light emitted from her eyes and forehead, bright white and a shrill scream filling the room, leaving everyone except Castiel with a hand in front of their own eyes, shielding them from any harm.

The woman dropped to her knees, mouth wide open and eyes burned out, before she collapsed on the floor, motionless, dead.

The angel stared at what his action caused, seemingly unaffected by the cruelty, tilting his head to the side a little. He then lifted his head, focusing on the man, the second shapeshifter, who held his hands before his chest, palms away from his own body.

“Hey, hey, calm down.” he stammered, shaking his head while his eyes wandered, searched for a way to get out of this situation. “This is a great misunderstanding.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes, untouched by this frantic and pathetic try to stop him from doing what he had to, and made an effort to get closer, raising his hand.

Before he even had the chance to concentrate his powers, a single shot was fired, aimed right at the shapeshifters chest. It tore him down, making a dull sound as he hit the wooden floor.

Cass blinked in surprise, unable to explain what this meant. He turned around, giving Dean a confused look, watching as he lowered the gun. “Couldn't have let you do this, Cass.”

“Dean, I wanted to help.” the angel squinted his eyes, shaking his head a little at him in lack of comprehension, trying to figure out what the matter was.

“I know, Cass, but I see there's clearly something going on with you.” Dean retorted, closing up to him to put his hand on the angel's shoulder, fingers clenching into his trench coat, gun still in his free hand. “And it's nothin' good.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

“Cass, wait!” Dean blurted out, going after Castiel who continued to walk, ignoring any demand or plead the hunter shouted after him, trying to get him to stop. “Cass!”

Castiel's mind contemplated whether he should just disappear before Dean's eyes or keep walking until both had calmed down a bit.

But if he disappeared now, fled, it would just cause another disagreement between the two, maybe another fight. He didn't want a fight, not again.

This wasn't a fight yet. It was something bigger, and Cass knew he couldn't just put this matter to rest, Dean would keep asking, and he also couldn't tell the truth.

Dean was right, there was something going on. But it was better for him he didn't know, better for both of them. Needless to say, Castiel hated the fact that he had to keep everything a secret, hated he had to lie to Dean, hated he had to run away from him now.

And he of all people knew it wasn't the best idea to keep secrets when the Winchesters were involved, especially when that meant he had to keep something a secret from Dean Winchester.

“Cass, come on! This isn't funny.”

The angel didn't think Dean had the slightest idea what exactly was the matter, what was going on. He probably thought of something completely different.

Dean maybe thought there was something going on in heaven, something huge, or there was a problem with Cass himself, something about his grace, his powers or just anything.

Or he might have been thinking all the time that purgatory still bothered Castiel. And he wasn't even wrong about that.

“Goddamnit, Cass!”

 

“Dean, I really don't want to talk about this!” he snapped, turning around on his heels, face stony with annoyance. He then pressed his lips together, looking away with an irritated huff before he stared at the hunter again, head tilted to the side.

Dean knew what this gesture meant, Castiel was not in the mood to be bothered with this, with anything. Anytime, Dean really could annoy him with it anytime, but not now.

“Cass, whatever it is, talk to me.” he implored, eyes wide with honesty about this matter, entreating. “Enough secrets.”

“I don't-” Castiel began, interrupting himself, sighing and looking to the ground under his feet for a few seconds. “Dean, this isn't something to just talk about.”

“You can fucking talk about anything!” the hunter insisted, furious as he didn't want any more of this uncertainty, this nonsense.

“You can't talk about this! I can't, Dean!” he exclaimed, furrowing his brows. “This is getting out of control, I don't want this to degenerate into another fight!”

“Is it about you not wanting out of purgatory again?!” Dean questioned, louder than he wanted to as the angel had raised his voice quite a bit too. “Because you know, I can't hear any more of this bullshit!”

Castiel opened his mouth, seemingly wanting to retort, but Dean raised his hand, halting him. “You don't deserve to be in there, get it?! And I want you out here!”

 

The angel closed his eyes and bit down on his lip, trying to keep a calm mind, or rather to get a calm mind again after this argument. He then nodded, not necessarily meant as an agreement.

“That's what you think it is?” Cass said, calmly and more composed than before. Shouting and screaming at Dean wasn't what he wanted.

When he glanced up again, the hunter just looked at him blankly, but there was something in his eyes, telling he expected him to say something, to clarify everything.

Castiel wavered, unsure, but then grabbed Dean by the shoulder and pulled him into a tight hug. He didn't know when his eyes fell shut, but when he noticed, he exhaled, savoring just a little bit of that warmth and pushed away.

When Dean looked at him, somewhat surprised and confused, this strange frown on his face, something in Cass' chest fell, leaving a weird feeling of pressure, but emptiness at the same moment.

The angel shook his head slowly, grabbing Dean by the collar to pull him down, pressing their lips together.

He could feel Dean shift, moving just a little away from him in order to separate their lips, but Castiel didn't let him, dragged him closer instead. The warm breath on his skin made him shudder, still making the most of the familiar tingling, he leaned in more.

 

Just some seconds later, Dean broke away and stumbled a few steps back, wary glance at Cass, but he didn't say anything for some time. The angel remained silent, observing.

“So... that's what it was? You got a crush on me?” Dean noted, frowning at him, but he was calm, not freaking out over this, much to Castiel's surprise. “The whole time, or what?”

“Dean, it's not just me.” Cass tried to explain, voice distinct, stressing every word separately, closing up to him and luckily the hunter didn't back off, not even an inch. “You just don't remember.”

Dean squinted his eyes and a slight laugh played around his lips, as if he just wanted to say how ridiculous this was, but then his eyes widened again.

“What?” he breathed, just a whisper, suddenly thoughtful and realizing. “What, in purgatory?” His face lightened up a little and he payed attention to Cass' reactions, pulling his brows up in surprise as the angel nodded ever so slightly, shyly smiling with one corner of his mouth.

“Oh fuck.” Dean frowned, taken aback by the sudden realization. Castiel seemed more relaxed, glad he wasn't ditched after the kiss. “What happened?”

“I don't really know. We were there and we fought, and we...” he began, voice failing him and he stopped, shrugged his shoulders.

“...fell in love.” Dean completed, looking to the side, still not fully processed this actually happened, not believing with all his heart. But he instinctively knew it was true, that Cass didn't lie to him. Why should he after all. “Wow. This is... something.”

 

Castiel could see Dean was flustered, the way he avoided his eyes, genuinely trying to keep his gaze directed at the ground or just anything around them when talking, he had seen it all.

They'd gone through something similar back then in purgatory, when Dean first realized how he felt. It hadn't been much different from now.

The angel couldn't help but smile, amused by his behavior, overjoyed deep inside because it turned out so well. Dean lifted his gaze a little, looking at Cass awkwardly before he parted his lips, obviously searching for words.

“Did... did we...” he cleared his throat and looked back to the ground, dumbfounded, embarrassed by his own question.

“I had to keep you entertained somehow.” Castiel just answered in a matter-of-fact manner, a grin growing on his face as Dean furrowed his brows and nodded understandingly, lips a small pout.

“Well, uh.” he staggered, trying to form a proper sentence in his head, unable to have an actual conversation. “I'll need to give all of this a moment.”

“Take your time.” Cass reassured, putting a hand on the hunters shoulder, restraining himself from ruffling his hair. “I've waited weeks, I can wait a few more days.”

 

Dean nodded absentmindedly, pulling himself back into reality, staring at Cass thoroughly, trying to recover some memories from purgatory. They had spent a whole year in this hellhole, there must've been at least one moment similar to this one.

“Days, huh.” Dean breathed, eyes closing and slowly shaking his head with a smile, taking this to his mind. “You're prepared to wait for days until I get myself together.”

Castiel tilted his head, not understanding what was so funny about it, why Dean thought this was something special or remarkable. “Of course, what's the matter?”

“Nothing, just realization.” he laughed, smiling wolfish at the angel as he looked up, opened his eyes. “I see why the hell I loved you.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

Cass hadn't disappeared again ever since their conversation, not for a single second. It had been a week, and whenever Dean would wake up, he was there, watching over him, whenever he'd walk into the kitchen, Cass was there, waiting for him to get his coffee, food or beer.

When they were doing research, Cass helped them, casually leaning against the table or sitting in his chair, skimming through the pages of some book. He didn't exactly watch Dean or get awkwardly close, he was just there, not even different from before, but more frequently.

Dean couldn't say it bothered him or made him feel uncomfortable, in fact, he was the one to often steal a glance at the angel when he wasn't looking and paying attention.

There was something about him, the way he stared at the book in his hands or just anything he was busy with, working jaw sometimes when he was thinking, trying to figure something out. There were times when Dean could see Cass wasn't really paying his undivided attention to what he was doing, staring directly through the object in his hands for minutes.

 

The past week hadn't been that easy for Castiel. The thought that Dean was now aware of what had been going on between them in purgatory, the thought that he hadn't even mentioned it again since he found out, it made him worried, insecure.

Maybe Dean didn't want him anymore, didn't reciprocate his feelings, maybe he'd just felt like that in purgatory, due to the circumstances. Cass didn't understand a lot about feelings yet, but maybe this was an option. He just didn't know anything, and it bothered him.

He could see how this was a lot to take in, how Dean would need some time to get used to the thought that the both of them were more than just friends, but he was impatient to the same extent as he was trying to be understanding.

Forcing Dean into this was certainly the wrong way and wouldn't help at all, let alone speed up the process, make Dean get more comfortable with all of this faster.

And maybe he didn't even want to. Maybe, just maybe he didn't try to, didn't think of loving the angel again. He could as well be trying to forget, banish these thoughts and facts from his mind, intending to continue living his normal life as it had been before all of this, before purgatory.

 

As Dean pulled into the parking lot, shutting down the engine, he glanced at Castiel, sitting in the passenger seat, distracted by his thoughts and not noticing they had arrived.

The angel had insisted on going with the hunter who just wanted to get some supplies from a grocery store, mainly beer and pie, but also some more healthy stuff his brother had told him to bring.

“Cass.” he nudged the angel, trying to get him to snap back into reality, making him blink in surprise as he faced Dean. “Morning sunshine.”

The hunter opened the car door and got out of the impala, taking the bag with food from the backseat, before looking at Cass. “What made you dream?”

“I wasn't dreaming, I don't sleep.” Cass responded, narrowing his eyes, and closed up to Dean, walking next to him.

“Yeah, I mean, what were you thinking about this hard?” Dean just retorted, ignoring how Castiel still didn't catch a lot of things humans were used to.

“Dean...” he began and stopped walking, sighing as he furrowed his brows, making the hunter stop too, turning around to look at him in confusion, slight surprise. Cass met his gaze, frowning and shy, not really knowing how to tell him. He promised himself not to lie to Dean, but it was hard at times, especially hard right now.

When he opened his mouth, making an effort to say something without getting a word to leave his lips, Dean raised a hand, calming. “Cass, I see.”

He stepped in front of the angel, exhaling at ease, placing a quick kiss on his temple. “Don't think about this too much, I know. I didn't forget, I don't intend to. And I'm still working on it.”

When Dean turned around again, continuing his way towards the bunker, in a try to hide what he thought was a flushing face, Cass swallowed thickly, staring to the ground with a slight nod.

 

Inside the bunker, Dean put Sam's ordered food on the kitchen counter, pulling his pie out of the bag, humming a song stuck in his head.

“Cass, since we got a day off, wanna do something today? Watch a movie?” he asked, shoving some things in the fridge, unsure what they were up to today. When the room remained silent, without an answer from the angel, he frowned and looked over his shoulder, eyes wandering, searching for him. “Cass?”

When he became aware that he was the only one in there, he turned around, wary and unsettled, considering every possible reason for Cass' absence. He didn't really think something happened, they were save in the bunker, he thought.

Slowly, careful and alerted just in case, he walked over to the door and looked around, somehow feeling a quite uncomfortable pressure well up within his stomach because of the circumstances.

 

When he'd made his way to the hall, tentatively glancing around the corner before walking straight into the room, he found Cass sitting at the table, back facing him, calmly leaning in the chair he'd always preferred.

Dean exhaled with relief, dragging a hand over his face as he walked over, placing his palm on the angel's shoulder. “I thought you'd just disappeared again.”

Cass faced him, turning his head to the side as he looked up at Dean, eyes big and lips parted slightly, giving him a small shake of his head. “I'm sorry.”

The hunter sighed, pulling a chair over to sit in front of him, but Cass got on his feet instead, interrupting him in his actions.

Castiel somehow didn't feel like it was right to stay by his side right now, he wanted to be near Dean, but not in the same room, just there for the hunter to be able to go see him without having to pray for his appearance.

 

“Wanna watch a movie? We gotta pass the free time.” Dean repeated his question from before, which wasn't answered yet because Cass hadn't been there to hear it.

The angel wanted to decline, wanted to say he'd be in the other room, but the look on Dean's face, honest and somewhat expecting, made him nod, unable to disappoint him.

“I'd take you to the cinema for a change, but I don't think it's the right place for us.” he suggested with cheerful expression and a crooked smile, causing Castiel to consider and shake his head over the thought.

“We stay here, I'll get you, us, drunk and we're gonna make out, alright?” Dean laughed and patted Cass' shoulder encouraging, shooting him a wolfish grin and winked at him.

“Dean, this isn't funny.” the angel just complained, trying to keep his composure. “You're being reckless. And unfair”

Dean frowned, grin still not vanishing as he turned around, walking towards where his room was. “It wasn't a joke.”

Cass didn't know whether Dean was being honest or just trying to lure him, tempt him, in order to get what he wanted, but he followed him with a silent sigh, pushing all these sorrowful doubts away.

He knew Dean was playing with him one or another way, but there wasn't anything he could do against it, wanted to do.

Sure, he could stop being this cooperative when Dean did these things, but he really did enjoy to spend some quality time with him, and he sure as hell didn't want to disappoint Dean. More than anything.

 

Just as Dean stopped by the kitchen to get some beer, and some stronger booze for the angel as he didn't get drunk that easy for obvious reasons, he halted, turning around on his heels, devious look in his eyes.

“You wanna take a risk?” he said, shifty and mysterious voice, eyes and expression, leaving Cass confused and unsure. He had no clue what Dean was up to, trying to say, so he just shrugged his shoulders.

The hunter took a few steps back until he was in the kitchen, waiting for Cass to follow him before he grabbed his shirt with both his hands and pressed him against the wall next to the door, faces close, giving Cass' lower lip a small careful bite.

“It's not public...” Dean breathed and had a long close look at the angel, observing how his jaw worked, lips parted and eyes wide in surprise. “But Sammy is around, probably hungry, and his food's here.”

“Dean, we can't-” Castiel tried to object, but he was cut off as Dean's lips crushed into his own, the hunter taking a hold of his wrists, restraining the angel from pushing him away.

He pinned his hands on the wall to each side, intertwining their fingers, which wasn't fair play because he knew Castiel wouldn't try to separate their hands this way, no matter how much he wanted to escape Dean's control.

Cass' lips weren't as soft as a woman's, but Dean would easily get used to it. After all, it wasn't a woman he was kissing, it was a man. Well, basically an angel, but the vessel was a man. His angel, his man.

 

“We won't.” the hunter just pulled away for a second before leaning into the kiss again, closing his eyes, this time really wanting to enjoy it, actually kiss.

Dean appreciated the warmth radiating from his body, the hot breath on his cheek, giving him goosebumps on his arms, everything a pleasant tingly feeling.

He felt Cass' lips part, taking the invitation to slip his tongue in, drawing closer as he let go of the angel's hands, tracking his fingers up to his neck, touching the delicate skin, rested his fingertips where the stubble began on Cass' jaw.

Castiel reached for Dean's head, dragging his hand through the hair, short but soft, just like he remembered it. Nothing had changed, except that Dean was quite gentle, noticeably more than he'd been after some days back then, and the fact that Cass savored every second even more, he'd had to wait way too long for this to happen again.

He shifted slightly, away from the wall to press his lips onto Dean's harder, trying to gain control. Attempting on pushing the hunter forward until his legs met the table, Cass pressed his palm to Dean's stomach, leading him through the room.

He slipped his hand beneath Dean's jacket, feeling the muscles under the thin fabric of the shirt, secretly and unconsciously wanting to get rid of that too.

 

Doing this felt awkwardly familiar, Dean didn't remember anything from purgatory, but his subconsciousness told him he was very familiar with this, accustomed to it, they'd done this hundreds of times.

He knew he loved Cass, with all his heart, but he'd never really accepted it because he was a guy, and Dean wasn't into guys, he'd thought. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, but that didn't matter because it was Cass, it was because he was into Cass and not just any guy, or guys in general. He probably had nothing for men, just for this special one, who was an angel. Literally.

Smiling into the kiss, Dean dragged his hand over Cass' chest, clutching at his shirt, desperately trying to pull it up a little. He gave up on it, now struggling with unbuttoning the shirt, too hasty to make any actual progress.

Dean pulled away, parting their lips, gazing at Cass hazily as he was still too close to really focus, yet amazed by his eyes, the way he looked at him and just everything.

“We should probably continue this somewhere else.” he recommended, calmly but impatient, already shoving Cass away and dragging him along by his arm as he got going, his room the obvious target place.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Dean shifted, lazily groaning as he felt his back ache a little, rolling over into another position, more comfortable and putting less strain on his back.

Breathing in and out, long and deeply, restraining a yawn, he contemplated whether to open his eyes and wake up, get fully active again, or to just lie around for some more time, dozing.

His mind shifted, thinking of what had happened and as a result he dragged his hand over the mattress, empty next to him, searching for Cass. When it remained empty, cold, no sign of the angel, he cracked an eye open, trying to locate him with his blurred vision.

Castiel sat on the floor, clad only with trousers, not his but one of Dean's sweatpants, laptop in front of him and watching something. When he noticed Dean's sloppy movements, he faced him and pressed the space key, pausing his video.

“What are you doing?” Dean grumbled, rubbing at his eye as he sat up, tired and stretching to get the weariness out of his bones.

“Watching a movie. I borrowed your brother's laptop.” he noted, frowning a little at the question. “I thought that was obvious.”

“No, Cass, I mean why the hell aren't you in bed?” Dean complained, falling back on the mattress as he decided it was still too early to get up. Castiel glanced at him in slight confusion. “You fell asleep right afterwards.”

“Cass, you don't fuck a guy and then don't even stay to cuddle.” he mumbled, arm exhausted over his eyes, protecting them from the light. “It's not very nice.”

 

The angel felt like Dean wasn't awake completely, not quite there yet, talking nonsense or at least he wasn't fully aware what he said. He got up anyway, slipping beneath the blanket to rest next to Dean, facing him in order to look at him, admire his features.

“Did you just snatch Sam's laptop?” Dean groaned, idly putting an arm around the angel, pulling him closer to rest against his shoulder.

“He didn't mind.” Cass mumbled, snuggling into Dean, tracing little circles on his stomach with his finger. “I asked.”

“Half naked?” the hunter muttered, glancing down at Cass with a baffled frown, somewhat afraid Sam might have a clue what was going on because Castiel walked around the bunker with only some trousers, Dean's trousers.

“No, I'm not stupid, Dean.” Cass huffed, pinching him slightly and sighed. “I got into my clothes. I know you wouldn't want him to be aware of this, us.”

“Don't take this the wrong way, okay?” Dean interrupted before he could continue to say anything in addition, pressing a kiss on his forehead. “I'm not going to hide it from Sam forever.”

Cass exhaled, making Dean shiver as the warm air brushed over his bare chest, tickling, and nodded a little, a smile playing around his lips.

“If he has anything against it, I'll throw him into the cage to have a nice vacation with Lucifer.” Dean claimed, dragging his fingers over Cass' back, tracking the muscles.

“I appreciate your dedication, but please do not make jokes about this.” the angel sighed, dazed, closing his eyes at the pleasant feeling of fingertips running over his skin, gently, then and now tickling the sensitive spots where his wings connected to his back.

“Got it.” Dean mumbled, burying his nose in Cass' hair, and pulled the blanket to his shoulders as he felt they were getting colder. The angel certainly didn't feel bothered by the cold, but Dean did.

 

It was quiet, both of them enjoying to just lie there without a word, savoring every minute they could get before they'd have to go back to their everyday lives, saving people, hunting things.

Their lives were a mess by now, totally fucked up and there wasn't anything that could get it back to normal, could make everything alright again.

Dean had tried to live a normal life, he really did try anything, but it wasn't what he really wanted. He'd already been a hunter for too long to go back, do what everyone did. Of course he sometimes dreamed of what he couldn't have, but it would never be more than a dream, never something he really desired with all his heart.

Cass had spent so much time with Dean, had survived and experienced so much together with him, he couldn't even imagine a life without the hunter.

He knew he'd had to. There would be a time when Dean was gone, when he couldn't see him anymore, talk to him, touch him. And he feared the time, the day when Dean's life would vanish, like a wave washing onto the sand, just to disappear like it wasn't even there in the first place.

A human life wasn't long. In comparison with an angel's lifespan, it was just nothing, not even a day. But Dean's lifetime was the best day Castiel would ever experience.

So lying here, snuggled up close to the human being he decided to abandon everything for, give up everything he used to have, it was incredible. No one could ever understand what it was like, what he felt in these moments, short but the most beautiful thing in the universe.

Even if it meant he could never return to heaven, could never ever get back his life even after Dean wasn't there anymore, he didn't regret his decision. It was worth his sacrifice.

He'd found something in this human, something beautiful and precious, worth risking everything, his life, and he wouldn't ever give it back.

Even if he'd have to just watch soon, without getting this close to Dean, without being able to have this kind of intimate relationship, to just be where Dean was and fight for him, it was worth it.

 

“You think I'm queer? Or is it just you?” Dean broke the silence, shifting a bit, turning to face Cass. “'Cause I think it's just you.”

“Does it matter?” Cass retorted, hazily as he sighed in comfort, snuggling closer to Dean who wrapped his arms around the angel, smiling.

“Guess I don't have to know that bad.” Dean mumbled, lips tickling Cass' forehead as he spoke, casually placing a kiss there. “I'm way too curious when it comes to you anyway.”

Castiel frowned and pulled away to look at the hunter, narrowing his eyes at him, confused about his statement.

“What do you mean?” he breathed, contemplating whether it was a serious matter or just some basic questions, like what he had done all his life when he wasn't on earth, wasn't together with Dean.

“There's some things I can't explain, but I know I should just shut up.” Dean pulled him close again, pressing Cass' head against his chest as he held him. “Or else we'll end up having a fight again.”

“Dean, if it bothers you, this isn't the right way.” the angel tried to convince him, getting him to talk about whatever worried him, knowing it wasn't just a minor thing. Dean loved to hide his feelings, brush off every problem he had, thinking it all would end up well. But it never did, it would just start to take him down again, giving him insecurities, nagging doubts.

Cass couldn't pull away as Dean held him too strong and he wasn't in the position to find the strength to fight Dean's arms, not without hurting him. “Dean.”

 

“Cass, why didn't you just tell me?” he suddenly said, still not letting go of the angel. “You were there, right? I felt a presence, all these weeks I thought you were gone, but in reality, you weren't. You never really were.”

Castiel held his breath, instinctively, somewhat distressed, shocked at the sudden realization Dean knew, was aware he had watched him, wasn't able to really leave his side. He didn't know what to say, didn't utter a single word and didn't dare to move, not because he was scared, but rather because he was baffled.

“I know you couldn't bear being close to me when you knew what happened in purgatory, but I didn't, and I didn't know acting as if we were just friends wasn't normal for you anymore.”

Cass wanted to say something, get him to stop, even though he was right. He was right about everything and Castiel didn't want him to be, he wanted him to just continue being unaware. Because there was a part of Dean that blamed himself, he blamed himself for something he couldn't have known, something he wasn't even aware it hurt Cass because he acted just like he'd used to.

“I get that you were afraid I might turn you down, but keeping your mouth shut about this... You were just hurting yourself even more.” Dean noted, finally releasing Cass, looking at him firmly, wondering. “And you knew that, so why didn't you just tell me?”

The angel glanced at him, hiding behind his lashes and a blank expression, not wanting Dean to see what he thought and felt before he could get himself together, figure out what to say, get clear it was about time.

 

“Dean, I'm sorry.” he muttered, leaning his head against Dean's, nose touching his chin as he closed his eyes. “The reason I didn't tell you... The reason why you couldn't remember anything in the first place was me.”

Dean squinted his eyes, waiting for Cass to explain further as he couldn't really figure out what he wanted to say, what was the exact reason.

“You know I restored your memory of the moment you left purgatory.” the angel began, reaching out to Dean's neck, placing a hand there as he looked up again, staring into Dean's eyes, apologizing. “I had to because at the moment you left, I erased it, I erased every memory you had of us being what we are now.”

The hunter stayed silent, watching Cass' expression shif from apology to grief, regret and back. He didn't know what to think, his mind indecisive, wanting to feel anger but wasn't really able to as disbelief clouded his thoughts.

“And I am so sorry, Dean, I really am, but I will do it again.” he breathed, his voice unstable and about to break. “I have to.”

 

Dean felt his mouth open, about to negate, deny the fact Cass actually wanted to erase their time together yet again, not believing Cass would want this, would be able to do this.

It felt like betrayal. Dean knew it wasn't, but he couldn't help but feel like it was, couldn't help but feel like Cass wanted to abandon everything they had, what they were.

Instead of saying something, even yelling at Cass like he wanted to, he just shook his head slightly, desperately trying to signalize Cass he wanted anything but this, to maybe convince him it wasn't necessary.

He saw the angel's gaze change, sad and sorry, visibly regretting as he leaned in to press his lips onto Dean's, hand wandering off to his back in order to pull him closer.

Dean wanted to shove him away, yell at him and maybe punch him, but he knew doing this wouldn't help, it wouldn't change Cass' mind.

There wasn't anything he could do. There was no way he could persuade Cass otherwise. So he just joined in, forcing his tongue between the angel's lips as he pushed him over, pressing his back onto the mattress, both his elbows on each side of Cass' shoulders.

“Just tell me why.” he mumbled, hovering less than an inch over Castiel's face. “I know I won't even remember, but for now, just give me a 'why'.”

 

The angel took a second to stare at him blankly, sorrow and apology still reflecting in his gaze.

“It isn't allowed. Angels aren't allowed to fall in love with humans. They will use it against us. They will figure out, and they will find a way to use it against us, to kill you. Or me.”

Dean nodded, eyes closed as he tried to hold his composure, clenching his teeth. Angels again, it all came down to the stupid rules angels had to follow. But Castiel was right, once they found out, there wouldn't be long until either he or Cass were dead. The angels would find a way.

“I've already waited too long, Dean. I shouldn't even have told you, or I should've erased your memory right after.” Castiel sighed, tracing his hand down the hunter's back, feeling the warmth of the skin. “But I couldn't help it. I waited because I wanted to be with you, just this one more time.”

“Even if it means hurting yourself like that, you're still protecting me.” Dean laughed bitterly, voice already beyond breaking, before he closed the gap between their lips again, kissing slowly.

Cass dragged his fingers through Dean's hair, pulling his head down just a bit, trying to grab the too short hair, futile.

He wanted to hold on to this feeling, wanted to hold on to this very moment, never letting go of it, of Dean. There was this aching in his chest every time he thought about how he would never be able to really be with him, really stay by his side like he wanted to.

It was all so unfair. So incredibly and utterly unfair that it made him want to cry out, let the world know he felt betrayed, treated unjustly and just so indescribably mad.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Dean had woken up to a weird feeling in his stomach and his chest had felt like it was about to burst, yet he had not the slightest idea why, what was going on.

He'd pulled away the blanket, warm from his body underneath, and noticed he didn't have clothes on.

Without a clue what had happened, he'd gathered his clothes, which were scattered all around his bed, not really to his surprise since he mostly didn't make an effort to fold them and find a proper place for them.

Just once or twice he'd wasted another thought, trying to remember how exactly he'd ended up like this, brushing the thought off again when he noticed some empty bottles in his room. Case closed.

He'd then walked into the kitchen, giving a short nod towards Sam and Cass who sat there, his brother on his laptop, Castiel just blankly staring at the wall, doing nothing.

“Rise and shine, huh?” Dean yawned, scratching the back of his head as he headed for the kitchen counter, searching for a pot. “No coffee this morning?”

Sam frowned at him, big eyes looking in disbelief before he shook his head and leaned back in the chair, neglecting his laptop.

“Dude, it's past seven in the evening. I'm eating dinner.” he huffed, making Dean turn his head in surprise. “Have you slept all day after you brought lunch?”

 

As Dean nodded slowly, mind desperately searching for a memory but failing to even remember he was away getting lunch, Castiel glanced at him, secretly longing for what he couldn't have, his subconsciousness still hoping Dean might remember, might mention he had spent the day together with him.

Yet he knew it wouldn't happen, he'd erased every relevant memory carefully, everything hinting at the both of them sharing more than a friendship. Castiel caught himself staring, still not able to turn his eyes off of Dean, face hurtful ever so slightly.

This time, he wouldn't disappear, he wouldn't make himself invisible to avoid interaction, he didn't want Dean to be concerned.

He would just keep grinding, try to make the best out of the short time they had together, no matter that he couldn't be with Dean the way he wanted to, the way they'd been in purgatory and just twenty minutes ago.

They'd hugged, cuddled and kissed not even half an hour before, when Castiel had sent Dean to sleep, erasing his memory in the process, Dean not even aware he was doing so at the exact same moment.

Cass didn't want Dean to notice, didn't want him to know when it was over and all their shared time was about to leave his memory, he didn't want to see the sad look on Dean's face as he erased it all, just let it vanish. He didn't want a goodbye.

Twenty minutes, and now it was all gone, buried deep inside Dean's subconsciousness, save and thoroughly sealed away, shattering and disappearing with every hour passing until it was all gone, deleted without reversal. Not even Castiel would be able to restore it.

And as the angel thought of Dean's love for him slowly fading into nothingness, it came to his mind, a hurtful, sheer fact that no matter how much he loved Dean and how much Dean had loved him, they had been too busy with reconciling, making everything up with each other.

There hadn't been a single 'I love you'.

 


End file.
